When Do You Qualify as Annoying?

If you are anything like me, you need to know everything that goes into your baby's mouth.  I won't give him anything that hasn't been derived from a whole food.  it has to be made by me and tasted approved by me.  Eventually, i will have to give up this micromanaging so that my son can have an actual life, but for now I gotta know what's in shit.  I don't want harsh dyes to touch his skin and I want him to wear breathable fabrics that have been bought in the atmosphere of fair trade.


Sounds expensive, right?  I find that it costs way less to shop ethically for several reasons.  #1 is the quality.  Clothes made with love by happy well treated people are usually really well made, well thought out and easy to replace if you happen to have a problem.  I seriously would like to see what workers are treated like in the factories that Joe makes its clothing.  The clothes are SO cheap.  Somewhere someone is suffering for those cheap prices.


Am I a hypocrite?  Fuck, yes.  But I think it's good if everyone just does their part.  So maybe I'm a vegan who ate some eggs, cheese and fish while pregnant and wore leather shoes but I will continue to try to do my part by asking questions and showing how i feel about the answers by spending my money accordingly.


For the record I have just finished day one of being vegan since about a year ago when I pregzilla ate a whole cheese pizza.  Cheese is good.  Finger bang good and I don't care who reads that.  It's how I feel.  So if for any reason I came off a bit 'Gweneth Paltrow' in this last post, I'm posting the best song ever.  Gweneth would never say finger bang.  But you know, deep down inside...she wants to.

Censorship, Female Comics and Lederhosen

Ok, blogging.  Must remind myself to write freely the first time around because there are censors all around you.  The worst censor of course, is your own damn self.  You censor yourself to protect yourself.  If you write a blog that is written and sent out from your heart chances are you need to look at it and do some fucking rewriting afterwords or people are going to use some some of it against you and laugh at you and shit.  But, for the most part I find digressions and spelling mistakes kinda sexy because then you know what you're reading is real.  It's kind like when someone farts.  you don't like it and it's a little fucking disrespectful, but it lets you know they're human.  


Which brings me to the topic of censorship.  I hosted this open mic in a really snazzy hotel and the manager wanted me to keep it clean.  Keep a Sunday night Open mic located in the heart of Toronto, clean?  Well, I kinda tried.  And by tried I mean I tried to get just the right amount drunk off martinis so that I could get through an hour and a half of amateur comedians new material.  For the most part it was awesome.  I actually always liked it except when I was pregnant and tired and not able to drink as much.  But I could never really bring myself to say to a comedian, even ones that I knew had a foul act, 'could you not do that bit about the prostitute eating out the corpse?  It's not me, it's the management.'  I figured I just hadda let people be people.  Except for the one time when I went pregzilla on a dude for doing racist, sexist material and ripped the mike form his hand.  I feel kinda guilty for that but I'm sure I'll get over it....Now, that was that scenario.  I get that there are times and places for certain acts and if you're getting paid and you're employer wants you to dial the nasty down a notch, it's up to you to decide if you want to take the job.


Oh fuck, I've had a hell of a time reading some blogging lately about the topic of females not being funny.  Fuck everyone.  The notion that this topic even gets tongues wagging pisses me off.  The joke is that whoever even says crap like 'girl comics aren't funny must know that what they're saying is bullshit.   There are so many RIDICULOUSLY funny woman in comedy http://www.youtube.com/user/JennaMarbles/featured that if I hear of people saying stuff like that, I know right away that they're lying.  How do I know they are lying?  Because, to say such a bold statement you must know a thing or two about comedy.  And if you know a thing or two about comedy than you can't ignore that women are funny.  I just think that not a lot of women have the guts it takes to put themselves out there.  You have to have the iron clad confidence of someone who knows that they're funny.  And going back to the previous point; a lot of woman censor themselves to protect themselves and a lot of them censor themselves into obscurity.  That's why I believe it's really important to be good to each other as comics.  It's the toughest job in the world and a lot of people aren't making any money doing it. but if their heart is in it then that's a beautiful thing.  I've seen so many comics who started out shit go on to be the funniest people the world will ever see.  If they manage to catch the worlds attention.  which is probably a tough thing to do because the world is a fucking busy place.


I'm reading Tina Fey's book, 'Bossypants' and in the first chapter it she mentions that sleeping with talent does not make you talented. I agree with that but it's also true that talented people that sleep with people less talented than they are aren't necessarily doing anyone a favour.  She is a pretty snappy writer though.  According to me anyway.  

Speaking of committed relationships.  I am in two now.  One with my partner and one with my son.  My son, of course requires a little more work.  But I really feel like I got this.  I'm ready to hang up my new balance runners and put on some Crocs slippers because I've had all my wild stages (in my mind).  Now all the amazing stuff I get to do, I get to do with family.  But my only advice to new couples is, just make sure that each of you has had their.  Foreign Tryst stage.  I don't care who you are but you need to have an FTS and not look back.  It's good for tourism and having sex with men of all races is a great way to fight racism.  Wikipedia it, cause shit's true. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lederhosen

These delicious gentlemen are wearing Lederhosen.  Notice how one is sexy without trying?

Thanks for reading this weird shit.  See you soon.  I will leave you with this really cheesy fantasy script from my fake memoirs.

Cheerio

INT. COMEDY CLUB -DAY

COMeDian GIRL

I'm not that kind of girl.  

HOT GUY

No, of course you're not.

COMEdian GIRL

Well not usually.  

HOT  GUY

We could go back to my place.  I've got some party favours...

COMediaN GIRL

I'm definitely not THAT kind of girl!

HOT GUY

I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to insult you.  

COMediAn GIRL

...what kind of party favours Russell?...

Delicious Baby Legs

"Omg look at those chubby little legs!! Om nom nom nom nom!!"

My partner always asks me. Why do women say they want to eat babies? Whenever someone posts a pic of their 'loinfruit' as my guy so aptly puts it, inevitably some lady will comment that the child should be eaten. There are lots of theories. The one that makes the most sense is that because babies come from inside us women, the urge to eat baby is simply the longing to have one in the belly or womb.

I have personally nibbled on my baby's legs. It's really too irresistible. I'm a total baby whore. I love babies. All of them. Ugly ones, cute ones, small or juicy all I see is a a bundle of soft skin and and innocence and they make my heart melt. I'm kinda glad I didn't start baby making in my 20's because I would be surrounded by children. Sweet, independent, ferocious, loveable babies of all ages.

Which brings me to my the reason I wanted to blog this evening. After reading countless blogs and parent guides I realize my style of parenting falls under the heading of 'attachment parenting'. I run to Leon when he cries. I carry him everywhere instead of using that hideous stroller and I'll probably nurse him until it's uncomfortable for most people. He sleeps beside me. I make his food...etc. Every person has their own style of parenting and I totally respect that but this is what works for us. People always laugh at him when we are out because for a little 5 month old baby he is super confident, relaxed and comfortable in his skin. He is a little baby dude. It's probably soon to predict his personality but for now he is AWESOME and I love spending time with him.

Boy, am I glad we didn't set up a nursery for him like a lot of mom's feel the overwhelming urge to do because we only have 2 bedrooms and bedroom 2 is dads only chance in hell for a good nights sleep. As for me, I got more important things to do then sleep. Like cuddle and nurse and dose in and out of dreams into the reality of having perfect little bundle sleeping like a lamb, right within arms reach.

I am the quintessential 'mom'. Pre-baby, I was all blond hair and yoga body and now I'm not sure what colour my hair is and I haven't lost an ounce of baby weight. I'm soft and it's not sexy and I really don't care. Okay fuck, I do care. Anyone who says they don't care about something, cares. Big time. Whenever I tell my partner (let's call him...Brian) that I don't care about something he gives me the look of 'oh you silly thing. you're obsessing aren't you'...Anyways, the weight doesn't just FALL OFF all women who breastfeed, fyi. Some of the lucky ones don't lose until we wean. Luckily my baby's health is more important to me than vanity...just. It's hard to look in the mirror and see a heavy girl looking back at you when you're used to being body proud. Luckily, when I look at my son it's easy to forget the trivial, superficial desire to be perfect. I just focus on being in the moment and try to do everything in my power to make this baby laugh and when he laughs it doesn't matter how much I weigh.

So for now, instead of baby legs I'll probably be having seconds for dinner. Cause breast feeding makes this girl ravenous! I'll get serious about losing the weight next week. There's always next week for as long as I'm alive, right? Oh and the weight I have to lose? try a bastard 45 pounds. I have gained the size of a 6 year old child. The fuck? I started trying to lose it and did well with an initial 10 pounds but gained it all back over the holidays and got very discouraged at just how much I had gained with this pregnancy and stopped torturing myself to lose weight. Next week, I'll go to the gym regularly, cut out sweets and plan my meals. But right now I have a sweet baby and a sweet tooth and they both need lots of love...

Next week is gonna be good. Is this going to turn into a weight loss blog? Prob not.

Cheerio

Wow. Just ... wow.

A blog huh? A place to barf my brains out. i like it. it's been a while since my last confession. god damn it, it's been ages since I writ.

First things first. when reading my blog vomit you gotta know that if there's a typo; i mostly know it's there and i'm keeping it for a reason. typos are what make most things worth reading because they're usually the most honest thing a person can write. like when you type something like cockburger instead of hamburger, you're not thinking about ham.

anyway. second thing is i get in trouble by like, my parents a (I'm 36) lot when i write swears and rude stuff but jesus christ on a segway http://www.segwaycanada.ca/, I have got to be me. I have got to cunting be me.

Third thing. I usually think a lot of blogs are for people who are self absorbed to self obsess. But I have come to realize that it can be fun and helpful when people write from their own experience. This particualr post is kinda like the first season of Dexter where a lot of the plots were focused on what made him a serial killer and why he had a 'code of conduct.' i have improper feelings for the dude that plays Dexter so that's pretty much why i bring him up. it makes me feel closer to him. I have a bit of a ginger fetish and he just sets it off. Yes, i'm in a committed relationship. Just like Kobe Bryant. kidding. I'm kidding. unless you're Michael C. Hall. I'm kidding.

So, I just had a baby. So, there's that. Some close friends and family have been encouraging me for some time to write down my 'birth story.' It's a tough thing to do. Emotionally. I have no trouble writing silly things that don't impact me emotionally because they have never happened to me. It's easy to see the joke if you aren't a player in the setup or punchline. I do some writing for @therealtruenews https://twitter.com/#!/TheRealTrueNews with some wicked peeps. Might have some regular gigs coming up to that i'll obnoxiously invite everyone on my fb friends list to come watch. Then when you click 'maybe' on the guest event because you want to encourage us, but not by being in the audience we will send you an irritating message that starts off like this; 'Hey there Maybe's!!!' (the more exclamation marks you use for emphasis, the shittier writer you are. a smart person once told me this. Anyways, I still do it because i'm girly like that.)

So I get knocked up and all of a sudden I start eating cheese again. Ain't that a bitch? Now I know why non vegans think vegans are idiots. cheese is really good. Who in their right mind would give that up. well, except guys. I guess not all guys are into that. I would like to get back to being vegan again. but cheese has got my by the taste balls.

So I'm going to write a bit more. Maybe even share my birth story. it'll be good for the soul and I'll try to keep it semi-interesting.

If my punctuation is off, it's because I haven't given what i've writ to my friend Kyle to edit for me. he loves doing that shit because he's smart. people who are good in english love showing off how good they are. if i ever get gooder at it, i am going to flaunt it SO HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i guess i make smart people really feel even smarter for some reason. whatever.

I'm pretty sketchy at being consistent with blog writing but i need to do it. almost as bad as i am when it comes to log riding. So, for the love of Tebow http://tebowing.com/ and Dexter, i will try to keep writing...

I struggled a bit for the visual for this entry and settled on Dexter because a hot guy pretty much trumps all the stuff i just wrote about and if you hate what you've just read and feel like you can never get back that time you just wasted you can at least love me a bit for finding this picture of a man god and posting it for you. how was that for a fucking run-on sentence?

Cheerio

The Importance of Being Vegan

I grew up British with a little Guyanese flavour. So if dinner wasn't roasted dead something or other it was curried and let me tell ya, dead anything tastes wonderful. Nothing satisfies a typical North American appetite like roadkill deep fried or smack in the middle of a pie. A meat and dairy rich diet kills any craving and fuels that emptiness that our body tells us can only be appeased with salty animal fat or a rich and creamy something or other. My favorite dish growning up was pepperpot a stewed West Indian dish carefully prepared over the span of week containing pigs foot, oxtail and other exotic meats. A sweet, tender stew. I still salivate over the thought of it's taste and texture.

Before I explore the oft asked question of WHY I am vegan let me first explain to those in the 'not know' what exactly is being vegan. I deplore pedantry but in this case it is necessary. I can't tell you how many people think butter, cream, yogurt, eggs and any dairy fare is fit for me to eat. Though I wish I could enjoy a risotto or a shortbread cookie and the romantically missed New York style Cheesecake, unfortunately it doesn't fall into the vegan column. No meat, no eggs, no dairy. Most people upon realization of this stark diet declare that they could never give up meat let alone dairy.

So if I love it so much, why am I vegan? The heart of my decision comes from my profound love of animals. I believe it is our duty as human beings to protect them. I am usually met with the same argument or as I see it rhetoric and propaganda. People believe that it is as natural for humans to eat meat as it is for a cougar to hunt a doe for prey. Survival of the fittest. If this is the case why am I more fit than a lot meat eaters I know? If I was ill from my 'restrictive' diet I would simply change it. It's not to say that this diet can not be dangerous, in fact a poorly executed vegan diet can indeed jeopardize your health much in the same way as an unhealthy carnivorous diet.

Here are some of my favorite questions. 'What is there to eat, hay?' 'Where do you get your protein, iron, b12?' "How are you even still alive after being on this masochistic diet for 4 years" "You must think I'm a barbarian?" "What about breast feeding? That's not vegan."

Broccoli has more protein than beef. Little known fact, yes? Sweet potato is high in B12 and if you're hardcore like I am you'll take micro algae, B12 and folic acid supplements. It's surprising how many deliciously satisfying vegan dishes are out there although I do seem to eat the same thing over and over again. Broccoli, kale, quinoa...

Here is one question I'm rarely asked anymore. "wanna join us for dinner?' Don't feel bad because the reality is that I don't. I'll meet you after for a very stiff vegan martini ;).

The Point of Having a Point

I've been told by those who give a crap that there should be some kind of ongoing point to my blogging. A hook, if you will and I will but for now I'm still trying to figure out what it could be. Finding a point to my blog seems simpler than finding a point to the more complicated things in life like, life so I should really pony something up.

There are lots of interesting things about me and my beliefs that I could easily rant about daily. The misunderstood artist. The bleeding heart vegan. The hopelessly hopeless romantic. The endlessly boring list of all too exciting near misses that keep me teetering on obscurity; a safe and angsty place for my type. My failed relationship with religion is quite the story. The point is that if I had a point I probably wouldn't have that much to write about.

I ask myself daily the point of a lot of the things I'm passionate about that never seem to reap any type of tangible reward. But to be an artist for the 'rewards' of being an artist seems too obscure. The reward is the ability and the courage to share my creative self.

The only reason I'm blogging at this ungodly hour is because my beloved cat Mr. Whisky Business is very sick and it is impossible to sleep, eat, or do anything until my vet opens in the morning. I've taken him to the Veterinary Emergency Clinic VEC at 920 Yonge where he was given a treatment to keep him comfortable overnight. A $300 procedure that will most likely lead to a treatment in the thousands when my gentle and kind hearted vet Dr. Geoff Toole sees him in the morning. Having a sick animal makes me feel very dissatisfied with myself for not having the proper means to take care of him. I will do anything but I'm very worried about how and where I will come up with the money to do so. If it is too much I will have no choice but to say goodbye and I will never forgive myself for being too selfish to conform to reality and take a regular job like most people and for not being successful enough at my art to be responsible for these tiny fur beings that so deserve the very best.

So right now all I can do hold him and wait until morning when my vet will tell me what my

options are.

Update: Mr. Whisky Business has been alive and well and healthier than ever since this post due to a special diet and his new zest for life since I began letting him outside. Long live the kitty!!

Gaylords and Gobbledy Gook

Remember this term? I'm a bit of a gaylord for writing this blog. But what is a gaylord? A gaylord, to me, is someone who is the lord of being happy. Writing sparks gayety within me because if I can appropriately articulate what is going on in my brain than it isn't gobbledy gook after all. Like a painter successfully putting to canvas their intention, there is an immense satisfaction for this feat.

The Universe is too vast for our comprehension so I think that it's the thing to derive as much pleasure one can while maintaining longevity. A delicate balance for those who are more insatiable. I guess I could be too honored to be considered a gaylord for in fact I can also be a cynicallord when I'm in a mood that sees the world as a vast blip in the milky way, a land full of insignificant, selfish people whose lives are meaningless unless they believe otherwise. But, hopefully, no one gives a shit what my opinion is because I really don't know anything.